From the lamb's mouth...
Worn out..
"But if i go to the east, He is not there; if i go to the west, I do not find Him. When He is at work in the north, I do not see Him; when He turns to the south, I catch no glimpse of Him" Job 23:8-9
i've been feeling really detached from God recently.. it's really not that best feeling... it's like being indifferent to God.. i'm like praying and i can't quite focus on Him properly.. just as if I didn't believe He is listening.. or that i don't know anymore who i'm talking to.. i'm still learning from qt but as the day continues, i kind of let it go.. and of course there are times i really struggle getting through all my qt regime.. and i wonder to myself how disappointed God must be.. to do so much and come so close and now this.. it's not that i've stopped seeking.. is that i can't seem to seek Him properly i think.. the knowing that i'm actually seeking Him rightly is sorta faded.. i'm doing qt.. i'm going prayer meets still.. i'm still trying to live that holy life God has called me to.. and yet.. i really hope God still finds delight in me.. (which i know - head knowledge - that He does of course.. that i am sure).. a couple of days ago even i picked up a book in Dymocks.. the Jesus Papers.. and though i knew that it was a book analysing lies.. yet, it still caused me to doubt bits of my faith.. i'm glad i'm not too troubled by that now though.. God has taken me past that.. not in giving me every answer to my every qn, but giving me a faith to push through the situation..
so yar.. i feel a bit like job.. this week, God has been speaking pretty clearly about my situation.. as though He's saying it's not really my fault.. but is just a trial that i have to go through.. whether i like it or not.. and yar.. tonite esp, my youth pastor spoke many times about this sorta thing.. even though it wasn't really related to the topic.. and it's really convicted something in me that is not right.. being jealous about other ppl's faith or their experiences when i'm struggling in my faith... i mean, i've been a christian pretty much my whole life.. shouldn't i be like at least at a 'higher level' than some ppl i see out there? well.. yupz.. i know.. total error in that clause.. is so wrong, and i know that.. i'll work it out with God..
but yar.. coming back to Job.. i'm trying my best and yet i don't feel God's presence or know His closeness.. i dun think i can really compare myself to the suffering or the standing Job had but yar.. i think God told me tonite that this was His word of encouragement to me.. that it wasn't coz He was angry or just wanted to stay away, but yar.. is a trial that will only produce better things in me.. so yar.. i will persevere.. something i'm learning in qt.. where's the encouragement in the verses? here it is..
"BUT He knows the way that i take; when he has tested me, I will come forth as gold." Job 23:10
another thing.. i probably knew sometime ago but yar just yesterday i think i came across this.. Gaius - 'i am glad'.. and i'm wondering if that name is really suitable for me.. right now.. being glad isn't really that easy.. but yar.. i'll strive to try.. maybe it isn't even that i should try.. i guess it's just in being.. something i'll also wait on God to miraculously change about me.. i really wanna be glad.. coz i've got so much to be glad about.. right.. that's it for now..
Inertia
phew.. taken me like so long to write another post. hmm.. not sure if can actually keep this up.. am not really a blogging person.. the gd thing is, no one really reads this. anyway, can't remember where i left off but yar. Had fresh camp like last weekend and that was really gd.. coz yar.. think i was spiritually, mentally and physically prepared. And besides that, God is good.. God is ALWAYS good.. and i'm not just saying that coz it's true.. i'm saying that coz i believe it and have known it to be true.
what did i learn in camp?? hmm.. nothing in terms of knowledge i guess. but that was not really what i was expected anyway. i was there to fellowship and just spend the time with God. fellowship was ok i guess.. i didn't really join in games or the activities much, in fact, i felt pretty detached. but yupz, i was still there and i guess that counts for something. anyway, first night up was pretty disorganised. coz we left for the campsite slightly late (which we do every fresh camp) and i was to lead the first worship (which i always do i think, i just roster myself on).. so we arrived late.. and to add to that, through miscommunication, the bass and the amp were left back at church. soooo.. no bass.. that's ok.. after arranging to get it brought up the next morning, we realised that there was no guitar either!! aiyo.. now this was more a problem.. it's coz i thought my pastor (PJ) was bring it and he thought i was. oh well.. however, against all odds, the campsite had a guitar. it was a 12-string one but fitted with 6 so can be played normally. the strings were old, the sound was muffled but yup, it was what we had. so yar.. no time to practice, me, josh (keyboardist) and andrew (drummer) just had to wing it.. and i was to teach the new song as well (the stand).. anyway.. thanks to God and God alone, everything went a-ok.. in fact, i loved that night.. was a gd start.. for me at leeast.. any.. the camp was gd. and yar.
i think it was really God who put The Stand in my heart as the theme sone.. it worked REALLY well.. we did it at all sessions and i think everyone really meant it when the sang. it was only the day before that i decided to use the song. i kinda gave up on finding a theme song or even using a new song, coz it was pretty late already (remembering that i only started preparing for it the same week). but yar.. one afternoon somehow the chorus came to my mind and i was just singing it to myself. but i didn't know what song it was.. but yar.. after searching the net, then i found out.. and there and then i made the decision. ok.. none to exciting for u (whoever you is), but it is for me..
oh.. something i wanted to make a note of before.. can't remember when.. but i was washing clothes one morning and after taking the clothes back from the dryer, i soon discovered that i had lost a sock (one side)!! oh no!! erm.. ok.. i HATE to lose things.. will just keep looking till its found.. anyway, yar.. that was just before i had a lecture so needed to go to uni soon. but yar. i was like seraching everywhere twice and praying for God to show me where it was.. (yes.. a sock!) and then i somehow remembered the story of the lost coin.. it is so true.. i'd literally turn my house upside down for a sock, or guitar pick.. and yet.. i hardly care about God's lost children. anyway, thank God that i found the sock again under some books (not washed) b4 lecture.. else that would have been on my mind the whole day.. just a reminder to myself to care about the things that God cares about..
ok.. as for now, i'm starting to get a bit worn out.. i've grown somewhat spiritually, but yar.. i think i'm feeling more distant now.. oh no.. and i think it's coz when i was in close quarters with God, i started to enjoy the feeling/knowledge of being close to Him than i actually loved being close to Him.. not sure if that makes sense.. so now what? err.. i'm not sure.. seeking God isn't exactly a written step of instructions.. i'll just keep reading His Word, spending time in prayer, reading more heart-inspiring books and be more discipline in what i have to do..
thanks for listening..
back to project now..