From the lamb's mouth...
A day of rest
Phew.. Sunday's almost over.. another week is gonna begin again.. i've been really sleepy today.. tired.. not enough rest.. well.. it's not that i didn't get enough sleep.. just not enough rest. err.. u make sense of it. but anyway, just wanna acknowledge God saw me through yesterday! Woke me up early in the morning (even though i was making mango desert for like from 11pm+ till 1am+ at a friends house) then got me to burnside christian church for momentum, kept me company and energised through the day, found me a bus to get home early, then helped me organise the potluck stuff.. Potluck went great!!! even though.. started an hour and a bit late, 1 one my friends had to leave before we even started (so didn't get to eat!), was super disorganised, had 3 dishes of chicken wings, supermarket was closed so had to run around looking for ice,drinks and disposables, etc.. BUT yar, was great fun, to me at least.. thought it was great! food was not bad, my dessert actually turned out ok (used can mangos to reduce costs), no one else fought for the common room, most ppl came, there was more than enough food, ppl were conversing, my PS2 was entertaining, and much more.. in summary, thanks God for EVERYTHING!
ok, another thing to report, i DIDN'T go to prayer meeting this morning.. yar.. i know.. i woke up early, prepared to go, then dilly-dallied till i was going to be late.. another thing is i didn't know where it was and what time it was going to start.. so i just went to a 'park' bench near the church and started continued praying and yar, enjoying the morning.. oh, and guess what the message was that morning? PRAYER! had a malaysian guest speaker: Steven "Tee?".. when he was first introduced by my senior pastor he mentioned the two Steven had wrote 2 books and were for sale.. Both on prayer! and i was like.. ok.. God is starting to nag.. then like his message kept emphasizing the need for prayer! O..K..O..K i know.. and yes, i know i disobeyed too.. so yar.. i found out morning prayer meetings are at 8am upstairs... next time i'll be there.. ok lar.. i just rest a bit more and then go study some RF.. been a long day.
Getting started
Aiyo.. this morning is a bit discouraging.. after morning qt, i started doing the new prayer thingy.. at first i thought i wouldn't have enough time since i woke up at about 8am and have a class at like 9.. so i tried rushing my qt material a bit.. managed to finish by about 8.20.. i know, i shouldn't purposely compromise like that.. but coz i kept coming up with excuses not to do it, i decided to make sure i did it. and yar.. like 5min into it, the fire alarm started to sound.. and so i came to uni.. lots of inertia to really get into this. Is like when i started doing qt.. just takes disipline.. but later, i know i'll love to do it.. waiting for that day.
hmm.. just another thing to add.. this Saturday is my first unofficial EEE friends potluck dinner... no, it's not a club.. just me and my friends having dinner together.. we've talked about it lots before but finally just AFTER the hols, i decided to push it more. anyway, it'll be at my place and there's lots i can worry about.. not enough chairs, potentially other ppl going to use it too, ppl not bringing enough food, etc.. but yar.. am committing ALL of my worries to God.. ("You deal with it k? thank you") anyway, i accidentally organised it on a the day fresh was involved in a community serving project.. so will have to leave early for that.. i really hope all goes well. ok, am going to be late for class. that's it for now.
A call to Prayer
I've kept asking God what else should i work on in my life... and yar.. finally realising He's been stressing this for a while now.. and i've resolved to attend church morning prayer meets whenever i'm not playing for service.. haven't had the chance to yet but hopefully it'll be good.. of course it's a bit scary since i'll be new there.. but yar.. gotta try.. this morning i also got another encouragement from God to pursue a greater prayer life.. emphasizing the need to pray for my fellow bros and sis's. so have decided to set aside 20min every morning after my morning QT to pray and journal the prayer points.. i know it's not long, esp since a lot of the time goes into deciding the pray list.. but yar.. is a start.. this is my proposed agenda:
List prayers in prayer journal
- two categories: thanks and requests
Spend time praying
Spend time just listening
Close properly
Forgiveness...
these few days have been rather lousy.. been a bit depressed, and really not experiencing any joy.. in short, not living the life God desires for me.. like i think it was 2 days ago when i had a bad dream.. in it i was driving a car.. and i didn't have the 'P' plates on.. so yar.. basically illegal.. and apparently i forgot how to use the brakes (coz i haven't driven in more than a year).. each time i wanted to brake, i would press the horn instead.. so yar.. anyway, i was driving really terribly.. and then a strange meter on my dashboard started to flash. and i realised it indicated a police car was after me.. (obviously technology stolen from computer games.. i was playing lots of Simpson's Hit and Run) but yar..i managed to stop after a while.. (using the handbrake) and then came the feeling of disappointment and regret.. waiting for the impending judgement.. and that's pretty much when i woke up.. and that feeling remained with me.. so yar.. was depressed and began thinking other things to make it worse.. all the time calling out to God to do something.. it wasn't pleasant.. but i managed to get back to sleep again so that was it.. anyway, that is just an interesting note to myself.. i've been having lapses of depression. New stuff.. not from history. i'm melancholic (not an excuse).. so basically ANYTHING can make me feel bad, usually never intentially done.. but anyway i drifted .. this post is about forgiveness!
so anyway, just know it's been a hard few days for me. And i've been trying hard to find my feet again.. and this morning, did my QT on forgiveness (material by Max Lucado).. and yar.. realised that though i kinda know i've been forgiven by God and all.. that i haven't really forgiven myself.. and that IS a problem.. something i find really hard to do.. like i said.. i'm melancholic.. and a pretty bad one.. always finding fault with myself and getting depressed over things you'd probably find really stupid.. but yar.. God's still working on me.. anyway, remembering God's forgiveness.. as i was reading and thinking, i started looking at the cross as a cross (i mean 'X').. hmm.. symbolising wrong, mistakes, and basically sin.. but Jesus was nailed to it.. nailed to my wrong, my mistakes, my sin.. and as He bled, His blood covered the cross.. covered my sin.. and that's it. covered! forgiveness! God remembers my sin no more! In a 'picture' Max painted (in my mind)... a list.. of ALL my transgressions.. Jesus held it.. and it was nailed to Him and the cross.. then blood flowed down the long list my failings.. to be seen no more.. then i somehow was reminded of something in my past.. a blood stain on my shirt.. like 10 years ago or something, i had a bike (as in bicycle) accident.. i lost control and steered into a pillar.. my face slammed into it and my lip started bleeding.. A lot! so yar.. i left my bike and ran home.. blood dripping and all.. it was pretty bad,. left a permanent bump on my lower lip.. so yar.. anyway, that day.. 1 drop of blood fell on to my shirt.. and even after years of washing, the stain remains.. well.. ok.. there's probably lots of ways to rid blood stains, but to me.. this memory holds and tells me that Jesus's blood will cover my stains forever.. the blood soaked list of transgressions is no longer readable.. no longer remembered.. and for this, and a whole lot more, i love you Lord, Jesus!
Prayer:
"Dearest Lord, thank you for the cross! indeed, it wasn't the soldiers alone that hammered each nail into ur hands and feet.. it was the Hand of God... you willing took it all, so that your blood would be shed for me.. I know everything that happened was necessary... which just shows me the great ugliness of my sin.. But yar.. through the cross, i see Your love for me and Your love for Your Father.. and through the cross, i know your forgiveness... Thanks Lord. You are awesome! Hosanna in the highest! Blessed is He who comes in the Name of the Lord! Hosanna in the highest! Glory to God! Amen.."
P.s. will working on that forgiving myself part.. is quite hard for me..
and so it begins again..
alright.. re-evaluation time.. i think this is like a wakeup call.. i've so not been on right terms with God.. sure, i followed my 2006 resolutions of having QT in the morning and night.. sure, i occasionally read extra material (namely books and emailed devotions..) sure, i'm working hard at uni and in church and fresh, also able to maintain a more 'holy' lifestyle.. but yar.. i've forgotten the core truth of christianity.. it's about knowing and having a relationship with the Saviour.. which means what? Seeking God.. gone are the days i sporadically break into praise and song.. haven't written any songs for ages.. seldom do i take a night off to just worship and pray.. sigh.. in other words, i've forgotten my first love..
I'm reminded of a few bible passages.. (looked them up of course.. i've a very very small collection of memory verses)
Jesus replied: " 'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.' This is the first and greatest commandment." Matt 22:37-38
Thus, i am guilty of the greatest sin.. not loving him with all i am.. and we see in Revalations:
"Yet i hold this against you: Your have forsaken your first love." Rev 2:4
Speaking to the Church of Ephesus, but applies to me too.. this was the first problem addressed to John.. obviously very important to God..
so, now how? i dun really know.. But yar.. will come up with a plan.. right now, just waiting on God.. let me know what i should change or do..
lighting the fire again...
hmm.. so much for my 'inspirational' morning.. i slipped again this evening.. sigh.. but yar.. God forgives... and that's all the matters.. i'm okay sharing this coz well.. all that matters is that God knows.. and He still loves me.. It's going to be another steep climb from here.. ashamed? of course.. discouraged? yar, that too.. but intending to remain like this? no way! I'm NEVER going to stop trying... (you hear that Satan!!?).. hmm.. i hear him reply in kind.. but yar.. Jesus is on my side! i've nothing to fear! (so there!) nope, i can't guarantee i won't fall, and nope, can't be sure if i'll do as well as i did before. but yar.. by the grace of God, I won't!
Prayer:
"Dearest Lord, how i've let You down... and yet, i know you still put new hope and trust in me, for the sake of Your love and Your Son. Forgive me of my sins.. All of them.. those which are obvious to me, and those which are not.. As i remember You sacrifice and Your victory this Easter weekend, speak to me afresh.. i cannot love without first being loved; i cannot forgive without first being forgiven. And i know You are the source of both.. You say 'he who is forgiven little loves little and he who is forgiven much loves much' so help me to love You much.. thank You for faithfulness! In Jesus Name i pray, amen."
For those of You who's reading this, let me remind you that God's faithfulness is not dependent on ours.. He is forever faithful. amen?
No one said it was gonna be easy..
phew, these few days have been hard for me.. This would be concerning more my first battle (if u've followed).. temptation has been bothering me lot these few days and nites.. it's holidays of course.. and that's no surprise.. i spend most days in uni which makes it much much easier, but when i'm at home alone with nothing i want to do, than it hits.. but yar.. no one said it was easy.. and in fact, i knew it was going to be hard.. coz it's not the first time i've tried.. and sadly every attempt has found little success... ok.. but yar.. i believe God's gonna be faithfully supporting me.. it's pretty sad actually, especially since Good Friday and Easter are coming.. why suddenly the battle becomes so much harder.. of course temptation has come knocking on my door before but yar.. why now again.. shoots.. oh well.. through this period, i pray God may be glorified and that his reality and faithfulness be shown.. I'm reminded of a story Reinhard Bonke shared at hillsongs conference last year.. hope i get it right.. i'll have to make some parts up coz i'm a bad story teller.. just try my best..
Story-time:
One night, man had a dream.. in it, he was the owner of a house with many rooms. Earlier in his life, he had invited Jesus to come live in his house, but only gave Jesus the key to one of his many rooms. Soon, the devil came knocking on the door of his house.. The man answered the door while Jesus stayed in His room. The devil was persuasive and forceful, but the man remain faithful and continually fought the devil out of his house.. by night, when the devil finally relented, the man was exhausted and rested.. This happened again and again, day after day.. The devil would come knocking on his door and Jesus would remain in His room while the man would struggle with all he could to keep the devil out..
After a week, the man grew really weary and discouraged.. why hadn't Jesus come to help him each time he fought off the devil. So he went and asked Jesus this. Jesus replied "i wanted to help, but though you have numerous rooms, you have only give me access to one of the rooms..." So the man decided to give Jesus keys to the rest of the rooms as well.. the next day, the devil came knocking.. Again, the man answered the door and began to struggle against the devil. He fought the whole day, and finally, just before he was about to give up, the devil left.. Exhausted, the man went to look for Jesus and found him in his room. The man was troubled and asked Jesus why he didn't come to his rescue.. Jesus replied "i wanted to help, but though u have given me access to your many rooms, you still hold the key to your house.." At this, the man decided to finally give up his key to Jesus..
The next day, the devil came knocking on the door again.. and before the man could reach the door, Jesus answered it. Jesus was the owner of the house now.. As soon as he saw Jesus, the devil fell on his knees and pleaded "s-orry.. i must have gotten the wrong house"... and he left and never returned.