From the lamb's mouth...
Busy busy busy..
my goodness!! How busy have i been.. no time to cook, clean or rest properly.. sigh.. at least i still have my sleep.. this past couple of weeks, i've been going through the book of James at OCF (overseas christian fellowship).. think God has been trying to get to prepare me for all this busy-ness and stress.. He says things like:
"Consider if pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverence. Perseverence must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." James 1:2-4
and further more, i've been going through the topic of 'experiencing the joy of Jesus'
and etc etc... how real is God! and yet.. i've still yet to fully grasp all this.. still finding it tough and all.. hard to truly rejoice in the midst of trials... but yar.. still trusting God..
i think i've slipped into the uni lifestyle too much now.. just work work and busy busy busy.. sigh.. have neglected my relationship with God.. feeling rather guilty.. but yar.. hope to do something about it.. just dunno what yet..
Just received word that one of my best friend's best friend's mum had a fall and fractured her leg..
"Father, i'm counting on You to work something out of this! Heal her if it be Your will.. but yar, most of all, draw close to her and her family. May they experience your love and truth during this period of difficulty. show them there's so much more to what goes on during our lives on earth. Give them hope, peace, joy and freedom! I thank You for all You will do.. In Jesus' most precious Name i pray. Amen!"
Would you believe me if i said...
...that God can make miracles happen today!
Yeah! Yeah!
Uni has been horrid lately.. homeworks due..boring lectures to attend..confusing project specs.. argh! Plus the added responsibilities as Fresh worship coordinator.. Phew.. it's been tough. always praying for strength. anyway, that's not really my point.. yesterday God rescued my thumb drive!!! okay, that may sound insignificant or even humorous but let me explain..
okay, it all started a few days ago when i lost the pen drive cap.. "doesn't matter.." or so i thought. and soon after, the casing started to loosen "oh well" but that's when my drive started misbehaving.. sometimes the computer would not be able to access my drive (complaining a malfunction etc.) and other times it would open and show nothing inside.. "O..k.. not good". but yar.. usually i just plug it in again and it works alright. so yar.. like 3 days ago, i thought it'd be wise to backup my files asap.. think it was almost 12 and i wanted to go to bed liao. so yar. only picked a couple of the folders to backup thinking that i can get the chance to continue later. but yar.. on sunday, during a project meeting my USB simply refused to work.. (morning was still working). so yar.. would complain that my USB was malfunctioning and ask me to retry plugging it in.. it had died! so yar.. didn't really hit me yet coz i thought still got hope. anyway.. to cut a long-er story short, it continue not to function. (Thank God i had backup files for that night's fresh!) anyway that night it was steadily on my heart.. i'm a bit of a sentimental person and hates to lose stuff.. even data.. furthermore, i didn't backup my worship folder which had updated stuff! So when i got back, i got straight into trying it again... plugging in and out.. fiddling and stuff.. by this time, the casing could be completely taken apart.. and err.. curious boy as i am, i decided to open it and try to 'fix' the problem.. (typical engineering mentality?)
i continued for the next 1 hour.. of course i prayed intensely and everything.. but yar.. God didn't seem to want to fix it.. and to make things worse, my USB couldn't even be sensed by the com.. previously got that malfunction msg but now nothing!!! but yar.. i made up my mind that if it never worked again, i would still aim to be satisfied in Him (a bit hard to really rejoice lar). Was taken back to a question asked in my qt (quiet time) material:
"if God did nothing else for me but salvation, would i still be satisfied in Him?"
"if He's answer to my whole hearted prayers are 'my grace is sufficient for you', how would i respond?"
well.. of course i'd try to be.. but i know it's against human nature.. but then again, i know God's continual work in me will eventually lead me to a place of total trust.. (note: doubt is not the absence of faith... it is the test of faith - i think).
Anyway, i didn't quite finish my story.. gotta go do work soon too.. ok, erm.. yar.. next morning i talked to Him some more abt it.. and then sang a song i greatly love: 'Loved by You'.. then left for uni to do some stuff and yar.. give my USB another go.. all the time pleading with God to do something (for His mercies are new every morning!) but it continued to be bad.. it did come up with the malfunction msg again after a bit more fiddling but yar.. still bad.. and then it happened.. i left my pen drive in the slot and my friend used my keyboard and incidently pushed against the usb drive such that the head became slightly bent.. then i tried plugging it in again and the lights started flashing!! life!! then yar.. it was finally working.. u can imagine how happy i felt inside! of course i kinda contained it since i was in public. but yar.. sent a reminder to myself to write something abt it. and that's it.. i stored the files in the computer com as well as my friend's external hard disk! I just tried to store it in this laptop but nope.. malfunctioning again... but it's ok, and now, i can buy a NEW one!! but yar.. let's not take the focus of God's miracle for me.. i know it's small and all.. but yar.. it's big to me!! so yar!
"thanks Father u are soso gd!!"
" and soso good to me!!"
..for the little things
It's been a long time since i've remembered God's love through the little things. But tonight, tired as i am, as i reached for my tutorial in my bag i see my green pick on the floor. Just earlier today, i noticed one of the picks from my wallet went missing.. argh.. hate it when that happens.. and that was while i was walking back after paying off a $600+ insurance fee (coz i apparently forgot to renew last year - that's right.. i was an illegal immigrant for a whole year!). If u know me well enuf, i'm a bit of a stinge. hate to spend money on what i feel can be saved.. like meals and etc.. (not dun eat, but eat cheaper food) so yar.. that $1 pick on top of the $600+ i just spent really came heavy on me.. and of course i'm quite a sentimental person.. even losing a pick causes me to call for God's assistance.. but yar.. i kinda resigned to the fact it most likely was lost forever.. till now! So yup.. am reminded that though it God does great things in my life, it is often for the little things that i fall in love with Him again..
"thanks dear Father.."
"..for the little things"
My All in All
Yesterday had our first fresh meeting.. and i took on the task of leading worship. It's been so long since i've done it and am really quite out of it.. but that's not the point. During my week's worth of preparation, i discovered something on my heart was to try revise the concept that worship should be given in spirit and in truth.. basically i wanted to try challenge my peers to continue a life of worship outside church. Sounds good? yup, i thought so too. Then on the night, minutes before fresh begun i started getting 'cold feet'. I kept questioning myself whether i should really say all that stuff. it would have been soso much easier for me just to keep the talking to a the occasional word of encouragement and focus and getting the songs right. But i guess i caved to obedience.. felt that was what God wanted me to do.. and so i did.. talked for ages it seemed.. and more in between certain songs.. i also introduced a new song (amazing) and tried to do an item sorta song (no greater love) to try facilitate 'worship'. But yar.. really don't think it went so well.. i think judge it a lot by what i saw.. the ppl's faces, their blank stares.. or motionless figures.. i dunno.. and of course after 'worship', the melancholic part of me began it's usual "well that was not great" sorta jeering.. at the same time i was trying to console myself that i did the right so God is pleased.. and then my pride kicked in again.. compliments wasn't accepted as compliments, but consolations.. ppl's restoring comments taken with an air of criticism (i think only 1 of each, there was another one about how good the sound was but i took that as an indication of failing to lead them correctly). That night thoughts still probed my mind abt myself.. "should i really be worship leading?", "this isn't the first time u know?", "did i really hear God asking me to say all that?" and etc.. sigh.. i know i place too much worth in these ppl's approval or acceptance. So much so that some times they become my idols.. i'm reminded of a verse from the OT..
"But my people have exchanged their Glory for worthless idols. Be appalled at this, O heavens, and shudder with great horror," declares the Lord" Jer 2:11b-12
So much more to change in my life.. is sad, yet carries a lot of hope. Don't worry, i've asked for His forgiveness in this matter and will work on it with Him.. He IS my all in all!
the Joy of planting...
"Consider it pure joy that you face trials of many kinds. For trials develops perserverance..." James 1:3 (by memory)
Just to take things into one context, think about evangelism.. how many of you out there face difficulties in trying to share Jesus with your neighbours (by whom i mean ur friends, family, etc). I know i do.. sometimes it takes forever to bring him into a conversation and when that happens, it never goes as well as u'd have hoped.. and then comes the 'self-consolation' that God has used u to either plant a seed of truth or watered an already existing one.. well, that i do believe is true! however, do we actually consider it a joy that we are facing the difficulty in trying to do what God has called us to do? hmm.. maybe not. well.. i guess that's my point.. we are to CONSIDER (or CHOOSE to see) it as something not to complain about, but to rather be joyful about. By joyful, i don't mean happy.. as in not an emotional feeling sorta thing.. but having a knowledge and hope in God's good will.. So yar.. when u face different trials in your life, God is growing and loving (YES, LOVING) you! Take heart and delight in the fact that we have a awesome God, who does so much more good than just what we can expect or imagine..
A Fresh beginning...
If u don't already know, i'm currently part of a (uni-aged) group in AACC (Austrial-Asian Community Church) named 'FRESH'. And yar.. the 2006 program begins this Sunday! Yar yar, i know it's a corny subject title. Anyway, this will be short cause it's getting late and i have stuff i need to ask and tell God tonite.. Just got back from the first Fresh leaders meeting of the year u see.. (then got about to copying over the previous post from my written 'scrap journal' - scrap coz it's for as and when i need to write stuff) and yar.. it was tiring and somewhat tedious, but yar.. i feel we got through quite a bit of important stuff.. like issues to deal with and an introduction to this years plans. As usual, i've been without much deep thought, re-accepted as worship coordinator.. such responsibility! but God has faithfully brought me through 3+ years of doing so and i know He'll do the same for this year. Anyway, our leadership team has decreased in size this year and commitment levels vary greatly amongst the team.. i guess when only half the team show up to the first meeting it gets a bit worrying. However so, i (and the rest of the 'surviving' leaders are really hoping for God to do something AMAZING in Fresh. There's so much potential but at the same time, so much complacency in the group. What began a vibrant and faithful community has become lost in a routine of mundane, draining night meetings.. Well, maybe i exaggerate a bit over this, but in some sad sense, it is quite true. I've experienced this feeling before while attending but have been renewed by God's passionate touch. I think the main issue is really in our hearts... the reason we are dry is because we don't (or forget to) seek the living water found in Jesus. If only we begin to realise it is we ourselves and our attitudes which hinder ourselves from experiencing the joy and hope that we so long for. Well, as we all realised, this has to begin from us as leaders and i trust the rest to do likewise as i set my heart on seeking God's will and heart.
Prayer:
Father, give Fresh a truly empowering experience of revival! Provide Your leaders with the passion and love to continue serving You in our specific areas of ministry. And Lord i pray we never forget to love You with all we are and have.. for that is the first and foremost command on Your heart for us. I sing this song bit as a prayer for all the Fresh leaders including myself.
"Give me oil in my lamp"
"Keep me burning, burning, burning"
"Give me oil in my lamp"
"I pray, I pray"
In Your Son's precious name (JESUS) i pray all these..
Amen (So be it)!
The 2nd Battle begins...
Even before the first battle has ended, i've become aware of a second area in which the Devil has had a stronghold in me. How oblivious are we to the imperfections that lie within the self. That however is not the problem.. As already promised, we have the Holy Spirit to teach and guide us in our daily living. Highlighted to me (in a bolder colour than before) was the pride present in my attitudes and responses. How awful... This hasn't been the first time this issue has been brought up, no sirree.. but yar.. seems like my plans to twart the problem have diminished in presence. How am i to overcome this battle ahead, i have very little idea.. how do u erradicate a subconscious or seemingly subtle (although actually quite obvious) manner of thought. Let me give u a (very common) for instance. Let's say i'm offered a lift... my initial response would be "no thanks thats's okay" or a "is it on the way? if not is fine". Although it seems okay, even polite!? at first. but i think there's really more behind it. Habitual perhaps, but somewhere in my response lies an attitude of pride... i've really yet to figure it all out.. and thinking about it now is quite hard.. why can't i just accept ppl's service like that.. don't i realise that in allowing them to serve me, i am in return serving them?! err.. chim huh! well.. that's how God put it to me.. there's of course lots of other manifestations of pride in my daily life which i'll try to address.. (for example the more common concept of thinking great (overly) of one's self.. as well as looking down on one's self. Yup, that too is pride.. believe it or not.. just think about it.. refusing to give up one's view of him/herself.. well.. refusing it and having the wrong view anyway..
anyway, this is the second battle i face now. Am i foolish to attempt two battles at once? Wouldn't i risk compromising my strive for spiritual holiness.. no.. well, hopefully not, coz i really feel this is something God want's to fix now too.. and 'success is in obedience, not results'! So here i go, into the battlefront.. with the reassuring hope that what is impossible for me, is fully possible for my God!
wow.. notice how God is answering my pray-song (see 'Simply You')! The journey ahead looks tough and scary but i believe God WILL see me through...